Ford Prefect

The Opposite Of Frequent

2007-10-08T08:57:00.000Z

Feathers keep falling into my flat from the ledge by my skylight where the pigeons sit in the sun. I like the way they float down and found it almost serene until I remembered how disease-ridden pigeons are.

Also happening outside my window: lots of noisy construction. They're drilling right now. We still get transient guests in the building, using a flat for just a week or a weekend. One of them stole my neighbour's bike when they left. These young souls were in town for a wedding and we said hello out of the window.

Why I choose this to share, of all the things that have happened in the eight weeks since I last posted, I'm not sure. Perchance to highlight how trivial blogging can be? If I told you everything that's happened, it would take me eight weeks to write!

I like having this outlet but when you start to find it a chore to post frequently, as I have, it's a bit like the tail wagging the dog. National Novel Writing Month is on the horizon and Shig has convinced me to take part this year. I hope to improve my writing style because I've become bored with the stock turns of phrase that I use here all the time. I've been reading more, because there's something unhealthy about reading your own words more than anyone else's. I'd love to (ultimately) have something more concrete than an online diary to show for all the time I spend writing.

This blog ain't dead. It's still twitching and medics are en route. Thanks for all the messages about it.

Big Trouble With Little Objects

2007-08-18T14:18:00.000Z

I thought I'd left my phone in the car so I went downstairs to check. At the bottom of the stairs (but still a short way from the car) I realised I'd hadn't brought my car keys because I knew, subconsciously, I wasn't driving anywhere. So, my dilemma: go back for the keys now when there's no guarantee I'm actually going to need to open the car, or continue to the car, see the phone on the passenger seat and then go ALL the way back for them? Tricky stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

I drove to To-ne's barbecue so we could buy beer on the way, but I'd planned to drink and pick up the car on Sunday. We took a taxi all the way home that night before I remembered I'd left my house keys in the glove box. (It's what I do when I park at airports so I can't lose them overseas.) I smoked while I considered ways of breaking in but it was clear we were going to need another taxi. There again. And back again. Thirty pounds for all three trips. An expensive mistake.

Now That's What I Call Great Storytelling

2007-08-17T21:33:00.000Z

The recent six-part Jekyll on the B.B.C. was a style-over-content masterpiece: snappy dialogue, beautiful people and the most O.T.T. lead performance I've seen since... ooh, James Purefoy's Marcus Antonius last month. There was some rather original violence too, such as when James Nesbitt delivered a still-twitching torture victim to A&E in a holdall slung over his shoulder, or when he killed a lion with his bare hands at the zoo. Whatever this program wasn't, it was consistently entertaining.

The absolute superlative highlight for me was the opening of the final epsiode. The previous week's preview showed a ruthless mercenary who, we assumed, would be sent after the escaped Mr. Hyde. The teaser sequence the following week is all about the same fella: he's training, killing, taking no shit from his employers and (through a flashback to a moment of the series we've already seen) waiting to be called into action when he is needed. He's a secret weapon, a boss level, a nemesis.

Then we're back at last week's cliffhanger ending and Jekyll/Hyde/Nesbitt is still surrounded by bad guys on a rooftop. Up steps the new ultimate tough guy character. He approaches Hyde with a tough-talking line and, in one fast fluid movement, Hyde turns and throws him off the building to his death on the pavement below. What a set-up and what a way to reinforce that your central character is the bad-ass of bad-asses! The credits hadn't even rolled. The writer in me was in awe at that.

Update 2007-08-18: Having described it, I now find you can watch the whole delicious sequence online. They changed the title to "Hyde" instead of "Jekyll" for the last part too. Who got the style? They do.

It's Duck And Rabbit Season

2007-08-12T16:21:00.000Z

I love me a good barbecue, especially when the meat isn't shaped like an animal. (Fish I can handle.) Yesterday, Tone did the honours. Phil brought a cooler for the beer to save us walking to the fridge and back which was my kind of decadence. Chris brought a chocolate fountain - like a fondue with added drippiosity - which was Alice's kind of decadence.

I wore trainers and a brown shirt but you could tell it was summer because I had sunglasses on. I don't really do summer clothing on account of our short summers. I did look an underprepared British fool in Miami that one time, and also those three times I played lunchtime soccer in the park in Norfolk wearing all black. But I coped with the Downend sun by taking off my socks and rolling up my jeans. Underpreparedness 1, Adaptablity 2!

You could tell it was summer by the Bristol Balloon Festival too. We didn't go but they were in the sky so difficult to miss.

Saturday was my revenge on Alice for taking me to a garden party full of her lovely friends earlier in the summer. The host told me his life story and asked me to choose a Bowie album to play so I was good. We went for a walk and ended up in the only park in Clevedon I'd ever been in before, approximately twenty years ago. (Maybe there's only one park?) The day was rounded off watching a travel video from North Korea: the background music, added by the tour company, was overtly militaristic and a camp German tourist with bleached blonde hair and Noel Edmonds' hand-me-down jumpers wouldn't stop winking at the camera.

The film ended with the spectacular Arirang Mass Games in which 100,000 brainwashed citizens prance around for their glorious leader's entertainment. Pretty though. Almost worth it.

Post Yourself Yellow

2007-08-05T11:45:00.000Z

They're having fun marketing The Simpsons Movie. Select 7-Eleven stores have been kitted out like Kwik-E-Marts and the Burger King promotion lets you "simpsonize" yourself into a cartoon. That's me, innit?

Chabon (And On And On)

2007-08-05T08:45:00.001Z

The Amazing Adventures Of Kavalier & Clay is possibly the longest novel I have ever read. It's only 600 pages but it took me nine bleedin' months, in which time I think I picked it up about twenty times. That's not a bad average per sitting but I blatantly need more sittings!

I enjoyed it yet, here I am, not thoroughly recommending it. That's embarrassing because I gave it as a birthday present a long time ago, back before I'd started the first chapter. Do we still use spoiler warnings on books when, like, nobody cares about books any more? All this Deathly Hallows nonsense would suggest so. We'll have a warning, then: spoiler spoiler spoiler spoiler! There are seven hallows, not six.

Returning to the book I just read:

Samuel Clayman and Joseph Kavalier are two New York Jews (one fresh off the boat from Czechoslovakia) whose rise in the comics business paralells the rise of the Nazi party in Europe. They can't fight physically so they write big Nazi-bashing adventures for their trademark superheroes, The Escapist and Luna Moth. They fall in love but not with each other. One goes to war, one stays behind to mind the other's wife and child, they are reconciled and live as an unconventional family unit of four in the 1950s.

I cared about what happened to the characters but wished I would make it happen faster. The early sections were heavy on Jewishness which was educational but failed to resonate with me personally. Harry Houdini, Salvador Dali and Stan Lee had entertaining cameos. The lines between the real-life New York and the fictional Empire City often seemed blurred and I was disappointed when this aspect of the story was written off as the fantasy of a delusional man halfway through.

Best for a comics nut like myself were the affectionate tributes to genre characters as Kavalier and Clay ripped off Action Comics without infringeing copyright. Unfortunately, I took an hour out one Sunday morn to read Kurt Busiek's Astro City which does the same trick faster and in colour: The Samaritan is Superman, Cleopatra is Wonder Woman, the Honor Guard is the Justice League, etc.

Read either (but not both) and don't dally. For all the Potter-knocking, Rowling is probably more balls-out fun. And for my next trick, something light like The Hippopotamus by Stephen Fry.

You Can Cook Cucumber!

2007-08-03T20:46:00.000Z

I admired KitKat's pledge to herself to accomplish something new every week. Unfortunately, a lot of her new things looked like new ongoing commitments - joining a gym or a book group, for example - and I was sure I didn't have the time for all that.

So, to Plan B: one week I tried sweet and sour chicken balls from the Chinese take-away instead of pork balls, and the week after that I had chicken with cashew nuts for the first time. That's my kind of tasty adventurousness but somehow, I can't help feel, it wasn't quite in the original spirit. So I comprimised, bought a cookbook and now I'm trying to cook something new every week.

The Mod and Helen finally came to Bristol last weekend and good fun was had by all. I met them in the middle of a harbour festival that I didn't know was happening and probably would have missed altogether if they hadn't made me leave the house. We scoured the food stalls for delicacies and picnicked in a quiet spot beyond the safety barrier on the waterfront.

People get nervous cooking for Helen because she's a rather talented chef. I wasn't, but I did opt for a dish I'd done before. She made sticky toffee pudding from scratch. Good food was had by all.

Salmon And Cucumber In A Creamy Sauce
1 cucumber
1 small onion
flour
vegetable oil
150ml whipping cream
seed mustard
350g filletted salmon
lemon juice
parsley

Slice the cucumber in half longways. Scoop out the seeds and cut into half-rings. Chop the onion. Fry both vegetables in a splash of oil for 2 minutes. Add a couple of tablespoons of flour and stir in.

Add the cream and a few teaspoons of mustard. Dice the salmon and add it raw to the mix. Cook the whole lot on medium heat for 8 minutes, stirring occasionally. Season with lemon juice. Decorate with parsley. Serve with anything you like. (We had white rice.)

Baby Been A Bad Blogger

2007-08-03T14:36:00.000Z

Remember me? I used to post stories here that somewhat resembled the truth about my life. No? You can get in on the ground floor now then.

Facebook has played its part in occupying my time, though what you do with what you find there is what it's really all about - not all that messing around with silly add-ons where vampires fight werewolves. I've discovered new things about people I thought I knew back-to-front. I've discovered common interests with people I only knew slightly well and now we're closer. I've checked out my friends' friends for potential singles and I've been on a semi-date. I've laughed at the female student trying to run her own private escort service, though she's not ugly and her rates are very competitive. I've joined groups for local events and I've introduced myself to a handful of people that will be at The Beastie Boys' Brixton Academy gigs in September. And I'm just getting started...

The rain has abated here, Blair has begun his mission of atonement in the Middle East, Gordon Brown is our new Prime Minister and there's been a "credible" sighting of the missing Madeleine McCann three months after her abduction when most people, like myself, had begun to consider her another tragic statistic.

I had mad insomnia this week but it's better now. Sadly, David Tennant's mother died of cancer. And Kylie Minogue, a waitress on the Titanic in the Doctor Who Christmas Special, was mistaken for an actual waitress during filming in Cardiff. Apparently, an old lady from a nearby hotel asked her if it was too late to still get a cup of tea!

Carry on.

Cause Of Flooding (9,8)

2007-07-22T19:05:00.000Z

We Brits are having a really wet year. June was the wettest June since records began in 1914. The last seven days have seen some truly excessive rainfall and there's no respite in sight. Bristol's been alright because it's mostly hills - just don't live in a trough. But less than fifty miles away, the town of Tewkesbury is all sandbags and insurance claims.

How many people know the nursery rhyme Doctor Foster Went To Gloucester? It's just dawned on me that different regions might have their own variants.

The worst surprise I had all week was that new Coke Orange doesn't taste much like Mezzo Mix, a popular coke-orange drink in Germany. It's also a product of the Coca Cola Company so why the difference? Coke Orange is being marketed as a limited edition with the slogan "get it before it's gone", to encourage consumers to get onboard faster than they did for Coke Zero. Canny stuff!

That's "canny" meaning "clever", not "it comes in cans".

Schoolboy Error

2007-07-20T18:03:00.000Z

Nine days away from the blog. I guess I had some motivational problems! Going back to work was a drag and now the boss is back too so I have to be visibly pro-active (which so much tougher than simply getting the job done). He's not all bad, though: this morning he called before work to say to stay home because of the bad weather.

My old high school made the national news this week for all the wrong reasons. The local papers said it was the result of an internet spat over a boy the night before. One parent said the same thing happened when he was in school thirty years ago so perhaps the country isn't completely going to the dogs after all. Or it's always been going to the dogs.

I used to want to be a teacher but it wore off around the same time teachers started getting shot. Talk about being under-appreciated at work! I really ought to remedy that one day, seeing as how it would take all of five minutes. Mr Turasiewicz, Ms Roberts, Ms Davies, Mr Lewis, Mr Newman and Mr Fry: when I paid attention, you were all brilliant.

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

2007-07-10T12:32:00.000Z

England has been a non-smoking country for ten days now. Places you can still do it include the privacy of your own home or car, and in the open air. A trip to Ireland in May prepared me for the change and I'm dealing with it while the weather is fair. I'm only annoyed there's no provision for clearly-labelled smoking dens where black-lunged bastards like myself could go to exercise our free will.

Eleven days ago I was celebrating the engagement of Tom and Johanna in a pub called The Globe. It was hot enough there without everybody lighting up like it was going out of style. Sweaty pictures follow!

A startled Thomas.
Jo dancing Zorba The Greek.
A fiver says Legolas and his friend aren't from round here.
Basquiat uses mind control to keep her portrait off the interweb.
I didn't take this picture and I don't know 75% of these people.
Always dress for the occasion.
Erika and myself doing Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers ('78 version).
Cute bar-person #2679.

While we're making sweeping changes to the country, can we do something about drivers who don't keep left unless overtaking?

Unfinished Tales

2007-07-09T20:52:00.000Z

On the trip to Amsterdam where I missed my outbound flight, I almost missed the return too. Schipol is twenty minutes from the Centraal station, we reasoned as we headed to the area for after-work beers. I left the bar at the last possible moment and my train sat in the station, going nowhere. I met Elvira, Richard and David because they were sitting nearby and I'd just rushed three beers. Richard took a group photo but didn't e-mail it to me yet. He said all hope of catching my flight was lost but I was derermined to try and, luckily, my plane was delayed more than my train. I think I was the only passenger smiling about that.

A long weekend with Alice was the cherry on the top of my vacation last week. I invested in a second controller for the PS2 and several two-player games. We had a blast with Rayman: Raving Rabbids, shooting rabbits Time Crisis-style. Alice says she concentrates better when she doesn't breathe. She cut my hair again, because she is patient and it was due. The end result is blatantly too short but we didn't quarrel over it (though I'm gonna need a month before I go out in public again).

We watched The Sinful Nuns Of Saint Valentine which was like an Italian Hammer Horror film with more boobs and flagellation. It was hilarious. Redemption titles are dirt cheap from certain online vendors, so I think I'll have myself a little "phase".

Rome has been good too. They aged the character of Octavian by bringing in an older actor who carefully bases his speech patterns and mannerisms on the original. I bought the transition. Pullo is still comedy and Vorenus has been better since his annoying wife (Suzie from Torchwood) died.

I was banging on about the true meaning of 'decimate' last month. It's often confused with 'dessicate' or 'exterminate'. When a Roman legion lost a battle, one tenth of the survivors were ritually stripped of their armour and beaten to death by their fellow soldiers - decimare, in Latin. The Paranoid Mod thought I would find this Photoshopped cover of The Amazing Spider-Man amusing, and he was right.

Holidaying At Home

2007-07-05T16:06:00.000Z

Midsummer's Day has passed already and I'm taking a full week off for the first time this year. Is it any wonder I felt stuck in a routine? About a month ago I considered throwing it all in for something closer to home - until I remembered that our bonus scheme pays out in October. More on that idea in November...

Including weekends and days scheduled to work from home, I'll be away from the office for eleven whole days! I worked hard last week so no-one could grumble while I was gone. The other reason I was quiet here was: I discovered the joy of Facebook. Only through sheer will power to forego half of the functions and use it like my basic internet "phone book" entry am I here now. You could waste days on that thing.

Of all the social networking sites on all the web, why did I have to sign up for this one? I suppose I didn't really get the point at first. MySpace pages seemed like blogs with no content and they assault your eyes and ears. (Your band isn't signed for a reason.) Facebook has a clean white layout and I could immediately see what was going to be useful about it. For any one of these sites to prosper, it's going to need a critical mass of people behind it and - to quote a friend who signed up recently - only "poor people and Lily Allen" use MySpace. Find me on Facebook under my real name.

I'm getting better with my new phone but still keep sending unfinished mis-spelt messages because the Clear and Send buttons are in the opposite places on my old Nokia. If you receive one, I'm not drunk.

My mail is opened, the bills are paid, the washing up's done, the laundry is on and my cupboards are no longer bare. I saw my doctor on Monday and I'm having my hair cut to match my Facebook profile tomorrow. I've had lunch with my mother, got drunk with my neighbour, been to a party in Brighton and, tonight, Phil and I will prove that you're never too old for a bit of Playstation 2. I've watched Rome, Jekyll, David Bowie in concert as Ziggy Stardust and The Kentucky Fried Movie. Plus, I've read fifty pages of a real book (the difficult kind by authors who can't draw).

This is precisely the kind of week I wanted and it's only Thursday.

Because Of The Unique Way The B.B.C. Is Funded

2007-07-03T19:13:00.000Z

Please ask the man who just did the weather on News 24 (5pm, Bank Holiday Monday) to stop making sound effects during his reports. Is his vocabulary really so bad that he can't find the words? It's not Newsround!

Also, if the announcers on BBC Three could not wander off into who's the most shaggable in the next programme, that would be nice. ITV is still there for people wot like that kind of thing.

I am available to stay focussed, on-topic and not insult the intelligence of the viewer if you are having trouble finding people.

...wrote I, trying to sound like the letters page of Private Eye.

Dear [Mr. Prefect]

Thank you for your e-mail. I understand that you felt it was inappropriate for the BBC News 24 weather presenter at 5pm on Monday the 28th May to make sound effects during his report. I also have noted that you feel that certain comments made by the continuity announcers on BBC THREE are inappropriate.

Please be assured I have registered your comments on the daily audience log which will be made available to the 'BBC News 24' production teams and senior BBC management. Feedback of this nature helps us when making decisions about future BBC programmes and your comments will play a part in this process. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you again for taking time to contact the BBC.

Regards

P McDaniel
BBC Information

I didn't expect a response but that's public service broadcasting!

Norwegian Good

2007-07-03T14:02:00.000Z

I always knew I was smart! My younger brother's only doing a Masters degree to finally get one over on his childhood nemesis (i.e. me) and now some scientists from Oslo have come out on my side. Tough break there, bro, since I got the looks too.

This new discovery is like a horoscope: I believe the parts I like and brush aside those that don't fit with my own experience... such as my own sibling achieving more academically and physically than I (on paper). Perhaps the eldest develops faster and becomes more resourceful because he/she meets the challenges of growing up head-on? Or maybe the second child benefits from having the first as a guide, chooses his/her battles more carefully and develops more steadily as a result?

I'll defer to the experts because they plainly know more than I do and their conclusion bolsters my ego. Just yesterday I saw an ad for a beauty product bragging about its "Norwegian formula" as if that were a selling point in itself, so don't be questioning the Scandinavian science!

S3E13: The Last Of The Timelords

2007-07-01T10:03:00.000Z

That was pap in every respect except the theme tune. All we needed was the plot elements of the previous two weeks to come together in a coherent and somewhat surprising way. Is that really asking so much? I'm all for pushing narrative boundaries but not at the expense of the basics.

Why wasn't David Tennant in it for more than five minutes when he's the show's greatest asset and it's him we tune in to watch? How do you book talent like John Barrowman and John Simm for fifty minutes of screen time and squander them so? What science there was in this fiction was glossed over to the point that it looked like magic and felt like Harry Potter. A shoddy end to an otherwise strong series.

I was so glad to be with friends when Doctor Who jumped the shark (he said, sarcastically). They went easy on me and didn't actually hold me responsible for the turd onscreen. At one stage, I left the room to make coffee and said to shout if anything good happened.

Human Nature, The Family Of Blood and Blink are the year's killer episodes so all that remains for me to do is i) play the arse out of that D.V.D. when it releases and ii) adjust to there being no minimum guaranteed standard of quality on the show any more. It's just like the old days!

S3E12: The Sound Of Drums

2007-06-25T12:43:00.000Z

There have been references to a powerful man called Saxon throughout this series of Doctor Who. See, the villain from last week escaped back in time to before the first episode and it's been him all along! He heh. I'm mightily impressed, especially with this concept of effects coming before their causes being "seeded" in earlier stories (cf. Queen Elizabeth's grudge in The Shakespeare Code) so the mainstream audience's collective brain doesn't implode during the finale.

The hypnotic drumming central to the plot is from the bloomin' theme tune! Metatextual, man. What am I supposed to drink for that?

Sarah-Jane's counterpart at The Sunday Mirror is wily too.

Trophy Wife and Chan'tho are to The Master as The Doctor's faithful companions are to Him. The youth, the energy, the humour... has everybody got the message that hero and villain are equals? P.S. Thank heaven for no beard!

"'The man who makes people better.' How sanctimonious is that?"

I'd like to see Her blame for Him develop but I doubt a kids' show will dwell on such stuff. (And on the seventh day, God created fan fiction.)

Methinks the script was finalised after the rumour about The Master being The Doctor's brother went around the internet, since dialogue here outright mocks the idea. Did they change their minds or did they manufacture the leak in the first place? Whichever, it's a good decision.

Karma pays out for Bitch Mother From Hell.

In 1971, The Master watched The Clangers in prison; these days, he watches Teletubbies from 10 Downing Street. How times have changed.

Nick Fury is gonna sue when he sees our aircraft carrier.

He said "decimate" then killed a tenth of the population. Yay for oft-misused words being used correctly!

I've no idea who the Toclafane are but there are several references to them being children. The Archangel Network sounds like a planet-wide Chameleon Arch to me. It would be nice if the unresolved rocket ship plot from last week was tied up but it feels like there's too much else to do now. Whatever happens, they've got a Paradox Machine so they can undo it all again by plugging it in or unplugging it or reversing its polarity.

Top Five Glastonbury-On-T.V. Moments

2007-06-24T11:36:00.000Z

The rain beat on my skylights on and off all weekend. I went out once per day for groceries. A friend and colleague from more rural parts reports bridges out and houses flooded down her way. I'm so glad I didn't go to the festival! People were mud wrestling for fun.

The B.B.C's Glastonbury mini-site has content galore (though it might not be accessible overseas). Just beware of rude, egotistical presenters like Colin Murray. Not even they could mar my enjoyment of:

5. The Mutoid Waste Co.
Not a band but a green concern that makes animated sculptures from electronic and machine waste.
4. Amy Winehouse
Played twice on different stages. What legs!
3. Lily Allen and some of The Specials
Performing Gansters.
2. The Arctic Monkeys
They played so precisely and were polite to the audience. Covering Diamonds Are Forever in tribute to Shirley Bassey, who played on Sunday, finally converted me. Alex Turner has a better voice than I knew.

1. C.S.S.
I fast-forwarded a lot of drab music this weekend so hooray for Cansei de Ser Sexy bringing the disco rock party to my living room. I danced to the kettle and back. Singer Lovefoxxx stripped off her multi-coloured catsuit to reveal a yellow one underneath and went crowd-surfing. (I read that she doesn't always bother with the second layer of clothing.)

Honourable mentions: a topless Iggy Pop falling down and staying there; Beth Ditto's bits dancing independently from the rest of her; Rufus Wainright being straight out of Will & Grace.

Splinter!

2007-06-23T11:52:00.000Z

It's on the underside of my right index finger between the knuckle and the first joint. I got it taking down a sheet from my window in the dark and forgetting about the cactus on the sill. It's the tip of a spike. I've sucked it and squeezed it and now I'm going to ignore it.

There's a patch of blood on the sheet at the foot end of my bed today. I haven't bled though. It could be chocolate pretending to be blood...

I have no travelling to do this weekend, praise be. Three people might call round at various times for tea and sympathy. If it weren't for food I might not need the outside world all weekend! Greetings from my sofa.

Glastonbudget

2007-06-18T16:56:00.000Z

Glastonbury Festival Of Contemporary Performing Arts is set to be a mudbath this weekend, according to the Met Office. I went four times in the Nineties and, luckily, only got muddy the once.

Apparently there's a new drainage system on-site this year that feeds back into the sea at Burnham - most impressive for the erstwhile "Pilton Pop Festival"! But, unless cutting-edge sewage is your thing, you should save yourself the £150 entry fee and watch it for free on the telly. You can switch between stages instantly using the red button, which sure beats ambling half-cut through a crowded throughfare with only a baguette stall and lasers in the sky as landmarks.

There aren't many essentials on the bill this year... or is that my inner thirty-something talking? Bloc Party, Arcade Fire, The Stooges and The New Pornographers would be my must-sees. I think I'd like The Killers, The Editors and The Klaxons if I heard them. For 2008, I think I'll investigate Glastonbudget: the tribute festival for tribute bands!

S3E11: Utopia

2007-06-17T13:32:00.000Z

Captain Jack's back and, to prove it's no cameo, the titles have been re-timed to squeeze John Barrowman's name in.

It's Claudius In Space! Sir Derek Jacobi says he's longed to be in two popular programmes for most of his career: this one and Coronation Street. There's no accounting for taste.

I do believe this is our first adventure on the surface of an alien planet in three years of the revived series. (New Earth doesn't count.)

I oughtn't find the feral Futurekind female crush-worthy but she's like a biker chick and a goth chick combined. Somebody knows my Achilles' Heel...

What's with Blue Insect Girl's speech pattern? The Ship translates all foreign speech into forms we recognise so why not hers? It's over-cute and irrelevant, just like the ten-year-old Scots girl put to work in a base full of a thousand adults. (Welcome to the writing of Russell T Davies. As producer, he's been the most enthusiastic spokesman for the show that we could have wished for but he writes in big blockbusting sweeps that often leave me wanting for detail and structure.)

I like the over-layed "tunnel effect" that they always use on flashbacks - until now. Boo to production inconsistencies.

"You built this system out of food and string and staples."

I suppose The Face Of Boe could have chosen his words to reference Professor Yana in a kind of Nostrodamian Hister/Hitler-like prediction, but as a pre-packaged important revelation it stinks of parmigiano. If Ol' Rubber Mouth really wanted to help, he could have said more. One thing in fiction that really annoys me is a crisis that's prolonged (or even created) by characters on the same team withholding information from one other. I knew The X-Files was bollocks when Mulder and Scully only talked about the big conspiracy in sweeps week.

Reminiscing about Rose was nice but let's hope that closes that particular book. Poor, second-tier Martha.

The Futurekind are not merry men when their lunch flies away.

He can't get into the T.A.R.D.I.S. using his Yale key because The Master has flipped the catch on the other side! Who needs technobabble?

"I know that voice!"

This episode works as pay-off to what's gone before and set-up to the finale much more than a beginning, middle and end on its own terms. Will the rocket reach Utopia and is it even real? I doubt we're supposed to care about the first thirty minutes any more now another classic villain has been dusted off. Somehow I think it won't be followed up.

I like that Jack's story ties up without needing to see Torchwood. In fact, it makes more sense if you ignore it. Shouldn't be hard.

Kudos to the Beeb for not billing this as Part 1 of 3 cos the fans knew The Master was coming back - Gene Genie from Life On Mars let slip that his co-star had been cast in the part - but we assumed the grand finale wouldn't start until next week. I can't be harsh about an episode full of cool stuff when there's another 90 minutes of story on the way.

P.S. Which incarnation of the Master was Jacobi? Was it #13 again, grown old in yet another stolen body? Why did he hide as a human? How did he know he would regenerate? Does the loss of Gallifrey mean the rules are broken? Is this how we'll get round ending the series after Doctor #13? Does the Blinovitch Limitation Effect still work? My brain hurts. Nurse!

We'll Always Have Paris

2007-06-13T16:06:00.000Z

So, the Hilton sister I love to hate actually went to jail. Then she got out and then she went back in again. She's doing the Hokey Cokey! So mature. Can we call her Paris Days Inn yet?

In case anybody is in any doubt why I don't want my as-yet-not-even-conceived daughter growing up with people for role models who had Paris Hilton for their role model, this page from the same site goes some way to summing the lady's talents up. Probably further than you want it to. (The linked page has blurred-out nudity and rude words, so it's safe for most offices. I'm not responsible for what you click from there.)

Update 2007-06-15: Stan Lee is producing an animated series for Paris to star in. Somebody please make a joke about her acting like a cartoon character all her life anyway. Thanks.

S3E10: Blink

2007-06-10T20:09:00.000Z

I don't have enough info to understand how adding a Christmas Special to the production roster means two regular episodes have to be filmed simultaneously - or why that means one episode needs to be "Doctor-lite" instead of making two episodes where He's in it half of his normal screen time or three where He's only missing a third - but it does.

Should Kathy's grandson have been able to ring the bell that summoned Sally to the door and left Kathy alone with an angel when being alone with the angel is a fundamental event in the creation of the grandson in the past? The forums at Outpost Gallifrey are usually alive with debate about what's ontologically possible in a show about a man who travels in a box that's bigger on the inside than the outside. Get some perspective!

For copyright reasons, the D.V.D. shop has films no-one has ever heard of. That can't be good for business.

Monster Voices Man makes a cameo as a policeman. I am the geek.

"This is my timey-wimey detector. Goes ding when there's stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at thirty paces - whether you want it to or not, actually, so I've learned to stay away from hens. It's not pretty when they blow."

I'm fairly certain He wouldn't take Her to the moon landing four times because it would mean crossing His own time stream. I've no idea what that means or why it's bad but it's been cited as a reason not to use the T.A.R.D.I.S. loads lately.

Making the mundane terrifying (scarecrows, statues, etc.) is one thing the show excels at. The final sequence served no purpose whatsoever except to scare the bejesus out of little people and I heartily approve!

"Got to dash. Things happening. Well, four things. Well, four things and a lizard."

Stephen Moffat is my favourite scriptwriter not least because his endings never resort to blowing things up: tonight He won with a chess move. Moffat is also the brain behind Jekyll. I hear the Fan Plan is to make that an unmitigated ratings success so the B.B.C. take him seriously when it's time to replace Russell as producer on Who. Sounds good to me.

Have we been on a roll since the break for Eurovision or what? Next time: the return of Captain Jack AND Sir Derek Jacobi!

Black Dog Day

2007-06-10T16:08:00.000Z

I have to tell you about last Wednesday - one of those days when, if it can go wrong, it bloody well will.

I awoke with a headache but that was nobody's fault by mine. I took milk, juice, eggs and whatever else a person needs to get going in the mornings. I showered then answered the door to a bailiff, come to take away my possessions in lieu of taxes. He left with a cheque for $900 instead which I now need to claim back in this mess o' red tape. (They can't fine you more than you owe and I am certain that I owe zero - I was either working abroad or back here on P.A.Y.E. for the year in question.)

I tried to go to Holland for a meeting. I'd begged to fly from Bristol Airport because it's ten miles from my house. Roadworks cost me thirty minutes and I waited nineteen more for the every-twenty-minutes bus from the car park to the terminal. When I got there, there was still twenty minutes til take-off but the flight was boarding and I couldn't check-in.

I was booked on the next available flight at no extra cost, which makes me suspect the first one was over quota. But I wasn't about to argue. You make your own luck to a degree: if you start shouting at people because you're having a bad time, you're probably going to make things worse for yourself. I smiled and whistled Black Dog by Led Zeppelin. The (same) bus driver said I looked upbeat for a man who just missed a flight.

I went home for a cuppa. I called Alice to laugh at my luck so far. I called my doctor to be told my repeat prescription had been ready for four days. The drugs are good but they don't make me psychic! I'd been 'clean' for ten days by then, which is like Winalot Prime to a black dog. So I took my 'smack' and made my flight on time the second time.

Overheard In (And Near) Meetings

2007-06-09T00:33:00.000Z

"Expansion is only exciting if you get a thrill out of the work in the first place. If you don't then it's just a bunch more shit you've got to do."

"Have you been to Ireland before?"
"Of course. My father is from Aberdeen."

"I see a chicken and I want it painted black."

"Every time someone goes into the toilet, the lights go out in here."

"We're doing some new activities in Butlin's holiday camps. If you're not familiar with Butlin's in England, the people that go there are the same ones you see throwing up at Schipol airport. On the way in."

"Don't give me that 'meandering river' shit!"

That last one had airquotes and a hand gesture for the river. JH, HB and I kept catching each other's eyes and we were all on the verge of busting up laughing at inappropriate times.