Top Five Phobias

Batman Begins got me thinking about fear. I'm trusting you all with this information. No messing around with me afterwards. I mean it!

1. Clautophobia
The fear of elevators, a.k.a. "Otisitis". I thought this was a peculiar thing to be troubled by but apparently it's quite common. Dean Martin had it. Sigourney Weaver has it too, but wouldn't you after the final battle in Aliens? It's not an outright fear of machines. I drive cars just fine and trust that aeroplane pilots have the training to respond to any problems. It's not claustrophobia either. I'm just not comfortable getting inside something automated because we all know computers can go wrong.

I live on 2 so I take the stairs often, though if I have luggage I'll take the most evil elevator ever - just don't make me get in first or out last, in case it falls! The lift in our building creaks, you can hear the winch winding and, if you visit someone on 8 the hum is so loud by the time the car reaches the top that you know the machinery is only feet from your head. I was 30 when I moved in, and had flashbacks to the ascension scene in Logan's Run. Luckily it has a real door, not a gate or - like one I had in Spain - nothing between you and the passing dirty brickwork at all.

2. Aquaphobia
The fear of drowning. I thought I was a fair swimmer until a 1996 vacation in Spain. My friend Ed dropped anchor on his boat so we could swim to shore and I almost didn't make it. I had my first of two panic attacks ever and had to cling to the side of another boat closer to shore for fear of going under. I was very very embarrassed.

3. Arachnophobia
Those bastards! Not the arachnids, but the people with the website that tops the list when you Google "arachnophobia + causes" and has a giant animated gif at the head of the page. I just shrieked out loud. Grr. Like most phobias, this one developed in childhood and has mostly passed now. Shelob in The Return Of The King was fine; Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets was slightly less so. Bizarrely, I'm the hugest Spider-Man fan. This is the number one phobia across ages, sexes and countries so don't feel bad if you have it too.

4. Arachibutyrophobia
The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. I don't suffer from this - in fact none of the above are in any way debilitating in my daily life, and not just because I'm a hermit - but it was too cool not to get a mention.

5. I'm trying, but I can't make five.