Top Five Smoking Games

5. Freeze Your Ass Off
Easier to play in winter when you're not allowed to smoke indoors.

4. Dodge The Security Light
Sometimes I go around the side of the house to smoke because it's the easiest way to lose a game of #5. If it's after lighting-up time I'll set off one of our security lights and project a twelve-foot shadow of myself for my neighbours to watch. I am The Third Man! Once that happens, my options are (i) go back where I came from and win at #5 or (ii) stay put and move around so slowly that I don't trigger the sensor. I've found the perfect angle to at which to stand so my right arm is on "the dark side of the Marcus" and I can raise and lower it with impunity.

3. Don't Get Caught With The Good Stuff
Self-explanatory!

2. Lighter Fluidity
There was a time when if you couldn't find your lighter you'd ask Ed if you could have it back. He didn't steal them on purpose just like you didn't mean to steal all those pens from stores in the days before Chip & P.I.N. Some days I subconsciously hunt/gather better than everyone else and other times I can't find even a matchstick. Always buy cheap lighters, never re-fuel them and it'll never matter. If you come home with the same one you went out with and no more, it doesn't really count as going out. I was doing well in the game already when my bargain hunter father saw ten for £1.00. I can see fourteen lighters from where I'm sitting and there are more in my jacket pockets.

1. I Most Certainly Do Have A Light, You Hottie
Always carry a lighter if you're single, even if you don't smoke.