Love's Labours Lost

There are 645 seats at stake in the UK elections today. There were more in 2001, but the boundaries of the constituencies in Scotland have been re-drawn to match their English counterparts in size of population. One candidate in Staffordshire died recently, so that seat will be decided later in a by-election. With 646 seats used to decide the next government, the first party to reach 324 gets to shout "bingo!"

5.42pm EST: The title of this post looks less and less appropriate as the day progresses. Labour were the favourites before the polling stations opened this morning. No results are in yet, but exit polls suggest a 66 seat lead to the Labour party. I have tomorrow off from work to run errands so I'll post a bunch of new paragraphs throughout the evening, until the result is clear.

6.03pm EST: I don't have access to BBC America to watch tonight's coverage, which is a bummer because watching an election is to me as watching the Superbowl is to many of my friends and acquaintances. At least these has-beens don't flash their nipple clamps at half time. I'm wearing an ex-girlfriend's BBC America t-shirt today to get myself in the mood, but it doesn't have my name or number on the back.

6.47pm EST: Just my luck! I missed the first results on my three-block commute home. It's 3-nil to Labour right now and a fellow Brit, The Paranoid Mod, is making good with the soccer analogies in my comments section.

7.01pm EST: There was a perfectly good padded steel-frame chair in the "oversized trash" area near the entrance to my apartment complex, so I took it. My various worn jackets and pants that aren't yet ready for the laundry now have somewhere to drape themselves. I don't consider giving an unwanted chair a good home as stealing.

8.12pm EST: The conservatives have gained a seat from Labour and held one. It was about 4-1 (Lab-Con) but now it's 50-3-3 (the Liberal Democrats have entered the race). Of course, watching like a sport it's hard to remember that all the votes were cast 3 hours ago and it's the random order they're reported that creates all the drama. I wonder if tax forms could be redesigned to make the experience of filling them in more entertaining? Or if football could be revamped to make it more like politics? Oh wait... that was Football Manager for the Commodore 64 by the famous Kevin Toms.

8.37pm EST: 94-8-7 (Lab-Con-Lib) with only the Tories gaining a seat. Who does Labour have in goal? John Prescott?

9.28pm EST: It's 215-36-22. Wow. Unlesss the results are coming in all Labour-first instead of some more transparently random order, there's no reason to think the trend will change and this is all over except for the crying.


Anonymous exH said...

Exit polls... always lie to the exit pollsters:)

Anonymous The Paranoid Mod said...

2-0 to Labour so far. A tap in at the near post followed by a free header following a controversial free kick decision.

Worried I haven't got enough footy analogies for the entire country...

oh, hang on, 3-0 to Labour. A storming 30 yarder.

Election wonk on the bbc just now - "We are seeing a pattern in safe Labour seats in the north of England". uh-huh. Righto.

Blogger thisismarcus said...

Which are the hot/scandalous seats this time? I'm looking for a Portillo-style shaming tonight.

BTW it's OK to swear here (and I just know I'm gonna regret saying that).

Anonymous the paranoid mod said...

Portillo is a fruiter!

I'm gonna ease my way into this
swearing lark...

And while I'm at it, Blunkett can fuck right off.

Blogger thisismarcus said...

I was on a plane with Portillo once. He looked like a suit. There's no punchline. Sorry.

So now it's 5-0. Who the hell's in goal for the Blues?

Anonymous exH said...

I'm Islington North. Gotta be Labour cos he's a good guy who voted against the war.

Still avoted agianst him and Bliar.

Don't do scandal... sorry.

Anonymous the paranoid mod said...

I swear, the returning officer for Putney is wearing a crown. In a kind of dignified Nigerian way. But still, very odd.
The first Tory-scum seat of the night.

Shame. Still, let them win a few. We all need people to hate.

Anonymous exH said...

fear not.. 20-2-1 : Lab-LD-Con


oh it's still way too early.

Anonymous the paranoid mod said...

Damn. Bob Marshall-Andrews, one of the true oldschool lefties, has been defeated. Focaccias all round then.

Prescott's in though. So there's someone to eat all the pies at least.

Anonymous exH said...

LOL... UKIP (ex Tory fascist biggots) vote splits the Tory vote in Torquay to give it ti the Lib Dems.

Blogger thisismarcus said...

Nice! Is Peter Snow swinging yet, or hasn't he had enough drinks?

Anonymous the paranoid mod said...

aaargh. They're interviewing Thatcher. Evil bitchqueen from hell. At least she's gonna die soon...

Anonymous the paranoid mod said...

Well, Bliar's back in. Standing next to a Monster Raving Loony Party candidate, hehe. Being all humble and now it's over please forget I sent the country to war. Dissembling cnut.

But it looks like 3 Labour terms in a row for the first time ever. Warmongering aside, strike three for the (sort of) lefties. Much as I hate the sanctimonious twat, at least he's not a tory.

Keep the red flag flying, y'all.

Anonymous Count said...

I Predicted a 90 seat majority for Labour at the beginning of the night... so wasn't too far out. I thought below 50 would be a disaster, so they are pretty bruised and beaten even in victory.

For anyone into numbers, the date of the elctions was 5-5-5, and the day after, the 6th, Labour's majority was 66.

On another numbers thing; when England beat Germany 5-1 the other year in Munich; total goals scored were 6, Owen scored his 3rd goal on the 66th minute, and he swapped shirts at the end of the match with the German number 6.

Blogger thisismarcus said...

I like a conspiracy as much as the next guy, but 5-5-5 was probably chosen for a reason (like we weren't scheduled to invade any foreign countries that day).

How is the day after significant? Labour's predicted majority was 66; their actual majority was 59 (with two seats still undecided).

Is Michael Owen the spawn of the devil?


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