Bank Of Perplejica

"Hi. I wonder if you can help me. I've had a lot of overdraft charges in recent months and, looking at my statements, I find that on most occasions I had more than enough money in my savings account to cover them. I know it's my responsibility to manage my money, and I'm not here to complain. But [insert recent life story involving no job and rent not yet paid for the month of August] so I'm asking for some sympathy and leniency because I'm having a hard time financially. If you can reverse even a couple of the charges, it would make a big difference to me."
"The problem is your savings account isn't linked to your checking account."
"They're both there under my profile, aren't they?"
"Yes, but they're not linked."
"Surely they are... I automatically transfer money on a monthly basis from my income to my savings."
"They're not linked for overdraft protection."
"I see. If that's a paid-for service, I probably declined it when I signed up."
"No, it's free."

Speechlessness.

"I can't do anything here because we can only see your activity since your last statement."

Realize the irony here: by the time you receive your statement, find time to look it over and draw conclusions, it's too late for them to help.

"But you can speak to customer service..."
"I thought this was customer service. Where's the customer service desk?"
"They're on the phone. You have to call them."
"I've come to speak to someone at my account-holding branch and you're saying I should go home and make a phone call?"

I'd like to think I gave her the crook-eye here, but it was probably internal. If I sound like I'm being shitty with her, I was maintaining civility. I think some wish fulfillment is factoring in my re-telling of the conversation. Anyway, she let me call from her desk. I repeat much of what was said above and play dumb with the whole I'm-not-from-around-here card.

"I see that on a couple of occasions you were overdrawn by around $50."
"But I had at least that in my savings on, I think, every occasion. You were holding enough of my money to cover it."
"If it had been smaller amounts, maybe we could have helped..."
"Wait! Going over by $10 would have been alright regardless of whether I had savings with you or not, but going over by $50 when I had more than that elsewhere in the Bank Of America system is bad?"
"Yes."
"You can see why that sounds weird to me."
"Yes, sir. I can. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

I'm always tempted here to say, "You haven't helped me in the first place."

"No. Thank you for your time."

I knew it was a long shot going in. A simple case of "if you don't ask, you won't get". But their policies have me a little perplexed. Strange to think that if I'd said four words three months ago I'd be $200 richer now. My accounts are now linked! On the way out, another member of staff wished me a nice day. In my mind, I decked him.