So It's Come To This...

The first time I went to a strip club I never imagined I'd some day be in a position to separate and grade such experiences. Yet there I was, on Saturday at The Red Garter, telling Greg and Trevor how nothing could compete with my March trip to Las Vegas...

On that occasion, our Cruise Director excelled himself: he had the plan, the experience and the directions. Though he did require us to supply our own cash. Cheetahs is where the so-bad-you-can't-even-watch-it-ironically movie Showgirls was filmed, though it looked totally unfamiliar to me.

I need to shout out here to Betty, a make-up student from L.A. who flies to Vegas to work for a few days then flies home again. "Betty" was an obvious stage name as her look was based on retro pin-up icon Betty Page (despite her weighing a fraction of the original). Three dances and a tip covered her hotel costs and put her on the course to profitability for the night. There was grinding like I have never known and some very inappropriate touching - by her, not me - according to the laws of Clark County. Falling in love with a stripper is dumb, but is it alright that I was smitten for a night?



The place in Indy was a spit and sawdust joint, classily situated next to White Castle. Actually, it was more of a "chewing gum and carpet" kind of place. The N.A.S.C.A.R. (Non-Athletic Sport Centred Around Rednecks) fan on the door was a jerk - he turned away a drunken batchelorette party ahead of us and wouldn't give an inch when I realized I'd forgotten my I.D. yet again. (I blow at that.) When I returned, his manager chewed him out for making someone over 30 fetch his passport from his hotel and he waived my cover charge. Free boobies!

I found my partners in crime at the third stage. The dancer there took exception to my speaking to them when I should have been watching her so she stood me back up and thrust so hard into my stomach that my chair fell over backwards and I nearly did too. It was unexpected and it really took the wind out of me, and it's not often I can write that for its non-metaphoric meaning! But everyone was laughing so I played along. Later, a stag was taken onstage, stripped to his underwear and lashed with his own leather belt. I tried not to think about how far these violent tendencies stemmed from genuine rage about the world of work in which these girls found themselves.

Given the choice, I'll go for a curvy figure - the likes of which were in short supply on Saturday night. So when Brandy bounced past me I made sure to get her attention. She ran up to me and pushed her bare breasts in my face. Twice, in case I missed it the first time. It's not easy to sell to a salesman but this pitch works for me! Then she gave me her cold so I would remember her all week.

Trevor was targeted a lot by dancers looking to incorporate a prop into their routine. Having removed his glasses, they eagerly filled the vacant space in front of his eyes. Trevor took a dance from Jersey right after I did and returned with a funny quote. "I told her she had great breasts and she said, 'That's what your friend kept saying!'" We overheard another dancer as she performed to the guy on our left. He asked how she was and she said her lips were sore because she "had to suck three dicks earlier". On reflection, he could have been her friend but whether that makes what she said more or less likely to be true, we couldn't fathom.

So you see, I thought Nurse Betty had cured me but it's clearly not true. The night became something of a last States-side hurrah for me. For the record, we DO have topless clubs back home but I'm the only person I know that's shameless enough to go to one. What does everyone else know that I don't? When's the last time a strip club was attacked by terrorists? From that viewpoint, Spearmint Rhino looks like one of the safest buildings in London.