On All Fours

Big Brother is big business. Channel 4 has a highlights show daily, three discussion shows based on developments in the house and also Diary Room Uncut. Digital cousin E4 repeats many of the Channel 4 shows plus fills gaps in its own programming with "live" "action" as it happens (though they cut away or mute the sound if it gets too interesting so you have to watch the main show to get anything coherent). Factor in the surrounding advertising, sponsorship and premium rate call lines and its little wonder they started paying celebrities to take part when they ran out of has-beens who were willing to do it solely for the exposure.

I confess I've been watching far too much of Celebrity Big Brother 5. This is very unlike me! It started innocently enough with a cup of tea round Phil's on the opening night. We talked shit about the contestants as they entered the house because reality television is crap and the people who go on it are morons who deserve everything they get. Right? Then they revealed the final contestant and my interest was sealed: Dirk Benedict from The A-Team and the original Battlestar Galactica!

(If you're overseas or don't own a television or have been living underwater all month then this would be a good time to skim the show's Wikipedia page for the lowdown on who's in it and the whole racism controversy.)



Donny entered the house drunk out of his tiny mind and, upon meeting Face Man, exclaimed, "It's Dirk fucking Benedict!"

Dirk replied, "I seldom use my middle name." He's since shown himself to be above the inanity of the younger housemates yet no humourless old sow either. He was the bookie's favourite to win at first but that seems unlikely now he's had a couple of strops.

There will be mighty suspicion of result fixing if Shilpa Shetty wins because, in the outside world, the pressure is on Channel 4 to make amends for broadcasting alleged racist behaviour and not intervening. For my money, Jade Goody (a.k.a. The Accused) is insecure, uncultured, unhinged, intolerant and ill-mannered but she's far too ignorant to be what the meeja have made her out to be. She says "racial" when she means "racist", for goodness' sake! I don't think she intends anything. In all seriousness, there are two Americans, a Brazilian, an Indian and a Welshy on the show and Jade only fought with one of them - the beautiful, intelligent, dignified one - which leads me to conclude it was more about jealousy than anything else.

Jo and Danielle spouted far worse "racialisms" only Shilpa didn't hear them. Life IS far from normal on Big Brother but you don't suddenly turn into a close-minded bitch if you weren't one to begin with. They too deserve a career funeral like the one Jade got on Friday when they re-enter polite society. (The irony of somebody who made their name on a game show ruining their reputation on the same show has escaped nobody.)

I like the live show on when I work from home, for the background noise. There's noise in the office but it's often someone asking me to do something and I'm not allowed to ignore them.

For the record, either Shilpa or Jermaine Jackson will be victorious.