Fuck You, George

For playing with my heart. You blow so hot and cold all the time. Whilst I think I'm getting a little old for kids' movies, I have to say how much I just enjoyed Star Wars Episode III. (I'm gonna say it with spoilers, too.)

My main objection to Episode I was that it looked and felt nothing like a Star Wars movie. Jar-Jar wasn't funny, and seeing his stupidity actually rewarded in battle was about as demoralising as it gets. Episode II had better ingredients: seedy bars, the creation of the stormtroopers, the origin of Boba Fett, two more bounty hunters, Christopher Lee and plenty of Jedi action - and let's face it, the Jedi are where a lot of Star Wars' X-factor comes from. When Jar-Jar was stupid in II, it had dire consequences, which is as it should be.

III ties in with the originals in a way the last two movies didn't. It's got Vader, the Emperor, the Imperial guards, scout troopers, Chewbacca, Luke, Leia, and James Earl Jones for chrissake! Isn't guy on the left the coolest cameo ever?



There are no cutesy CGI characters like Jar-Jar or Dex. There is still plenty of CGI but the screen is packed with cool shit like space battles, flowing lava, and laser fire. When R2 "fights" it can't help but be a little comical because he's so small and underpowered, but he never gives up and scores himself a little droid victory or two. (Thankfully we don't go to Forrest Gump Land again, because that's an awful place to learn life lessons.)

I won't harp on about the politics of the prequels. Suffice it to say that Amidala provides a couple of good lefty comments. You go, girl!

Content-wise, it's dark. Decapitations, multiple limb-itations, disfigurements, and a Jedi massacre - including children! Structurally, it's dark. It's The Empire Strikes Back all over again, from the opening big battle to the bad news ending and short transitional epilogue. Visually, it's dark. The boring pans over idyllic landscapes are downplayed, and exciting faux handheld camerawork (a la Firefly or The Return Of The King) is everywhere. Actually, mostly in the battle scenes but battle scenes are everywhere! George has also remembered that shadows exist.

The design is closer to the classic look, technologically (the proto AT-ATs and AT-STs, the imperial shuttle, the white corridors of the Alderaanian transport ship) and in fashion (both the men's and women's hairstyles, Anakin's leather look and the prevalance of browns and greys... very 70s).



There's so much story in this movie, when we intercut between scenes it's not arbitrary or just to mark time. My favourite example is Amidala's heavy breathing in childbirth juxtaposed with Vader's first breaths through That Helmet.

I heard the script was really light. The dialogue mostly supports the action. Ewan MacGregor finally gets a scene where he can emote! And Yoda gets the craziest bit of Yoda-speak I ever heard. It normally makes me cringe that - never mind his Jedi powers - this guy can speak English fine but he just doesn't put the words in the right order. But this line was so over the top, it was awesome. (You'll know it when you hear it.)

And all the wipes! They were so crazy and varied. I think 90 minutes passed before I saw one used a second time. Fun!

Don't get me wrong... this isn't the best movie ever. But it might be the best Star Wars movie ever. I shouldn't be mad at George. I just can't believe he's the one responsible for this piece of work. I swear there were really recent re-shoots because in one of the dream sequences Natalie Portman looked like she had a shaved head, just like she did at the premiere on Monday. The last time George wrote and directed on his own, we got a talking fish-monkey...

Let the conspiracy start here!