Touch Wood

Adjacent to the memorial of two generals somewhere in the tourist trap that is the centre of Munich on a Saturday afternoon when Cologne F.C. is visiting stood four statues in a row. They're lions and they're the same blue-green colour as the statue of Christ at the cathedral in Canterbury.

"Meet you at The Blue Jesus?"
"I know where you mean."

Except each lion held a shield with small patch of shiny where it had been repeatedly stroked over the centuries. Traditionally you touch the lions for good luck and my friend touched one while I took a photograph. From there we went to the San Francisco Coffee Company and stood in a line so slow you'd swear they were making the drinks in San Francisco and having them delivered. It's there that she realized she'd lost her phone when she'd taken her jacket off half an hour earlier. She was sure it wasn't in any other pockets because she'd hesitated putting it there before we left the house in case it fell out...

We retraced our steps exactly through the tourists and football fans until we got back the to the World Cup 2006 Exhibition. It's a touring promotional show for German-hosted championship this summer that just happened to be in town the same weekend as I was. I stopped to record for posterity Goleo because he's the crappest mascot I've ever seen and that's when Kate took off her jacket. They made an announcement for her but who really hands in a phone when they find it except you and me? Kate fretted about the numbers of famous people she had in the address book because of her job, not to mention the hideous amount of other media you can store on a phone these days.

We found an E-Plus store and cancelled and replaced various S.I.M. cards, which cost money. When we got home we found the phone on the kitchen table. We laughed our asses off and didn't even care about the money because it was the lesser of the two inconveniences by far.

How lucky was that lion really? (The statue, not Goleo. Goleo is crappy.)



Years ago, after watching Withnail & I at Glastonbury Festival, Nick and I somehow (remember the conditions, imagine the state we were in) became obsessed with the concept of touching wood. You say "touch wood" and touch something wooden to bring yourself luck. It's almost as acceptable nowadays to touch your head as if it was made of wood, and hilarity ensues. But does that actually count?

What if you say it but don't touch anything? What if you only think it because maybe there are strangers around and you don't want to talk to yourself? If you only think it and don't touch anything is that two minuses making a positive? If none of these scenarios bring luck, do they simply bring zero luck? Or is there a concept of negative luck? That's just bad luck, surely? Do you incur the wrath of a luck god when you don't do it properly? We rode that one until it didn't have legs any more.

So was it bad luck losing the phone or better luck all-round once we'd found it again? Maybe you had to touch all four lions? If you touch 50% or more of them are you still in the black? Or is an all-or-nothing deal where once you start you need to complete the course or fail? Is there a time limit? Rankings? Etc.