Two Nations Divided

When I started my current job and didn't have as much time to blog any more I asked if other people wanted to post here, to help keep the content up. If you have your own blog you have no reason at all to take me up on that offer but Neil doesn't, and he has something to say in keeping with the themes here. So, over to Neil:

I've been invited to write about the differences between America and the mother country and where better to start than the mens' room? Both have machines to dispense vital male supplies but we clearly differ in what we consider vital.

U.S. vending machines obsess on oral hygiene and making sure your breath smells good - assuming minty fresh is your definition of good. It isn't mine, but what do I know? The machine I saw yesterday had a selection of gums and mouthwashes, plus those peculiar strips that make people's eyes water and will surely give rise to abnormal levels of stomach cancer when anyone can be bothered to study them.

British vending machines are solely devoted to the pursuit of "getting your leg over". (At this point I should stress that I haven't availed myself of a mens' room vending machine for an awfully long time however I'm sure oral hygiene wasn't high on my list of priorities when I did.) You find at least three types of condoms: sensitive, ribbed, and ones with go-faster-stripes down the sides. The only concession to oral hygiene is found in the assortment of flavours - strawberry, orange, chocolate, liquorice, pickled onion and tikka massala, to name a few. I was too busy getting my brain around the notion that making your groin smell like a pickle is an aphrodysiac to note whether minty fresh flavour was available.

U.K. machines also contain Nurofen, presumably in case the object of your alcohol-induced lust gets a headache from all the fumes rising from your nether regions.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guest posters! Well, it's not the same, but it'll have to do.

I think the oral hygiene products can apply to more men than the condoms can. First, some men, for various reasons, might not be looking to get laid that day or might not need a condom if he is. Second, the dude has to get the woman to like him before he's going to need a rubber, and if your breath smells like old onions, then you're out of luck.

Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

Speaking as the stand-in (sorry kitkat), I have to address a couple of things here...

Some UK men may not be looking for sex (but most do think about it at least once a day), but they sure as hell aren't thinking about making their breath smell all minty either. Not in my experience anyhoo. And given the number of (apparently well used) machines in pub gents it would appear that this doesn't seem to be a major barrier for either sex.

I still wonder why making your todger smell like a pickled onion (or a curry) is seen to be improving your chances.... can anyone explain that to me? Marcus?

Blogger Faltenin said...

Thank Neil for underlining this point that, now he mentions it, is true and soooo revealing!

Blogger MattR said...

Ha Ha Ha! Very Funny..

Blogger Candace said...

Tikka masala? Seriously?

I would think that the breath thing would be the first obstacle before a party hat might be required. But I guess I would think wrong.

Go-faster stripes? LOL!

Blogger Marilyndrew said...

I'd really like to move to the UK but I've heard it's hard to get a work VISA or whatever you need to move there.

So let's get married and I'll make sure there is a machine that dispenses racing stripe condoms in every room of our house.

Hey, it's not a bad offer!

Blogger thisismarcus said...

Not bad at all. But you don't have a website full of photos of your lovely self and I don't feel I can really accept without knowing what you look like. Call me old fashioned...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looks like someone else has a virtual crush on you, Marcus! I'm jealous!

Blogger DrHeimlich said...

It's cliche, but true... one look at the average Brit mouth and you KNOW they don't put great value on oral hygiene.

Not that the other pursuit isn't worthy, though.

Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

Look Evan - just because the UK is The Land That Dentistry Forgot" there's no need to get personal...

Blogger Marilyndrew said...

I have eyes up today! And I can assure you I have great American teath. We can spend all of our money on colored condoms and skimp on dental insurance.

I think that you're being too particular on this deal. ;)


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