Jingoes Ate My Baby

The cleaning is done and I hate cleaning so the hurt is over. I remembered to replace the food I ate too. My father gave me a bottle of duty-free Jamesons for looking after the house and I forgave him for not recognizing me in the street half an hour earlier. (There was a whole thing with both of us trying to park at the same time.) He was tired. I can barely keep my eyes open myself. Can somebody tell me why I got up so early when I didn't have to go to work today?



I clocked 500 miles this weekend and everywhere I went I saw small plastic St. Georges clipped on car doors. Ubiquitous is not the word (so I apologize for wasting your time with it). They cost £2.99 but they annoy me at least £9.99. For £19.99 you can go mad and decorate your entire car.

The final stages of the World Cup haven't even started yet and I'm bored of hearing about it already. I'm surrounded by hats, scarves, wall charts and other junk that I don't need and roughly one in five ads currently are football-themed regardless of what they're pimping. Surely the official food and drink of a major sporting event should complement a healthy lifestyle rather than encourage obesity? Not when there's money involved, silly!

When I see one of those poxy car flags it tells me the driver is a) a sports nerd, b) the kind of person who has to have something because everyone else has it and c) unaware that his otherwise-stylish vehicle is utterly ashamed to be made to wear the car equivalent of deely boppers. We're probably not going to be friends. I also question why an Englishman in England feels the need to tell his fellow countrymen that he'll be supporting the team he's expected to support. As if it were safe here to decorate your car with another country's colours anyway!

It's like the American in America with the Stars & Stripes in his window - handy indeed if I'm walking down the street and am suddenly overcome with an inability to recollect which country I'm in; quite redundant otherwise. Nobody said you were a terrorist, dude. But then you put the flag up and now I'm wondering what you're over-compensating for.