Sixteen Questions And Some Statements

I interviewed myself. I think it went well.

Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4.
The nearest book is a street map of Bournemouth. The next nearest book is a car manual with page numbers like 1.10 and 3.04. In the end I went to the next room and picked the first book I saw: Introducing Time by Craig Callender & Ralph Edney. "Time, Newton says, should not be confused with its sensible measure." (By "sensible measure", he means clocks.)

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can and see what you touch.
Nothing. Empty space. Fresh air. I'm at a table.

What's the last thing you watched on TV?
An episode of George And Mildred!



Without looking, guess what time it is.
10:40? A clock chimed recently.

Now look at the clock. What's the actual time?
10:35.

With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Two clocks and a television in the next room. The occasional helicopter.

When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
About an hour ago, to get better phone reception and smoke a cigarette.

What are you wearing?
A green and blue tartan shirt and grey Dickies trousers. Two of my least stylish garments but I worked from home today. Socks too.

Did you dream last night?
Nope. The last one I can remember was on Saturday.

When did you last laugh?
Thirty minutes ago reading Horror With Dick And Jane on Slartibartfast's blog. You have to trust these Hitch-hiker people.

What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Five plates, two "uplights" and two framed pictures of wooden ships at sea.

Seen anything weird lately?
The W.E.E.E. Man. (Not the one from Jackass but the one in tomorrow's article. There will be photos.)

What is the last film you saw?
Dan Brown Just Got Richer starring Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou.

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A disused warehouse in Old Market to convert to flats [apartments], much like the place I'm trying to rent right now. Eight newly-renovated places will be ready to view in a week or two and my name is near the top of the list, but if I owned the building already I wouldn't be so anxious today.

Tell us something about you that we don't know.
I kissed a boy.

If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I'd change the laws of physics so time travel was possible and I'd right most of the wrongs I ever did anybody. Like My Name Is Earl. With time travel.

Do you like to dance?
Does the Pope like to pray?

George W. Bush.
I know provocation when I see it but you won't get any dissent from me. I'm firmly with the majority of the planet's population on this one.

Would you ever consider living abroad?
Been there, done that. I'd do it again given the right circumstances.

What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"A lot of people here want to meet you."
Or, "Now that you know what it's all about, do you want another go?"
Or, "St. Peter and I appear to be on a job swap today."